My wife and I’s first year of marriage was a whirlwind. While we enjoyed our time together as newlyweds, life came at us quickly with major transitions and stress. I had started my master’s program while commuting 3 hours the same year we were getting married. We both knew that we were going to have to relocate to accommodate my full-time master’s program. After our wedding and move, we had the jarring experience of adjusting to life together while in a new town hours away from our friends and family.
The transition was difficult for us individually and as a married couple. We thought and acted in ways that frustrated each other. It was easy to notice what she had that I lacked and vice versa. We wished that our situation was different. It took time to adjust to the newness of it all and find ways to honor one another's experience. For some, this may seem like a natural stress level that all married couples go through and must navigate at one point or another. And you might be right.
That didn’t stop us from seeking couples counseling for what we were going through at that time.
Who Benefits from Couples Counseling?
You might be going through some of the hardest moments of your relationship right now. You might be feeling the full extent of the turmoil that has been brewing for quite some time. You may have contemplated separating or divorcing. You may have unearthed a hurtful secret your partner hid from you. It can be hard to determine if you’re still willing to fight for or maintain the relationship.
For those of you reading this who have been walking through a heavy time of pain and uncertainty, I see you. Your situation can’t be easy, and I hope that you’re able to find a path that will begin to bring you closer to healing.
For those of you who are not going through something monumental like the situations above, your concerns and reasons for seeking counseling are valid too. You don’t have to be going through the “big” things before you seek out counseling. You can work on your relationship at any point and enter therapy before the issues that you’re experiencing evolve into something else.Throughout time and challenges, it is to be expected that both the individuals and relationship change through growth.
Whatever your story, couples therapy may be beneficial for you and your partner.
What Is Couples Counseling Anyway?
Couples therapy aims to do a few particular things that can be of benefit to you and your relationship. I think it is important to begin by pointing out —
What couples therapy IS NOT:
Couples counseling is not a space where a counselor acts as an arbitrator or judge who works to prove one partner as guilty and in need of change. In my personal experience outside of the therapy room, I have never been able to change someone who doesn’t want to change. This approach does not create a conducive space for both you and your partner to feel heard or respected. Furthermore, pointing fingers and placing blame just creates further defensiveness in the relationship.
What couples therapy IS:
Couples therapy instead aims to create a space in which both you and your partner can express fears, anxieties, and hopes that you both have. By doing so you and your partner can experience a deeper connection with one another and provide your relationship with the nutrients for healthy growth. This is accomplished by developing new ways of communicating and conflict resolution strategies that help meet your goals as a couple. By being more open and honest with yourself and your partner, new opportunities open up to deepen the relationship.
Ultimately, couples therapy helps you be more honest, courageous, and active in bringing about what it is you want to be different in your relationship with your partner. By developing these skills in both you and your partner, you can experience a meaningful repair in your relationship.
Hearing One Another More Clearly
During our experience of therapy, my wife and I were able to be guided into sharing with greater ease the fears and desires that we were having difficulty expressing with one another on our own. Rather than providing each other with veiled or otherwise hard-to-hear requests, we were able to come to one another in a straightforward manner that allowed for a greater likelihood of being heard by each other. I grew in my ability to recognize and articulate what was a request and what needed to just be expressed.
Couples counseling allowed my wife and I to be more curious about each other when we were missing what the other was trying to say. My wife and I still have times when we don’t hear each other and argue. We are, however, able to get to a place of understanding each other more quickly because of the honest, courageous, and active approach we can use when we need it.
The same thing is possible for you to experience.
By developing a sense of awareness about ourselves, we can be more honest and open with the people around us. Operating from a veiled version of ourselves can work. However, I wonder if that actually gets us what we want. Our ability to wield our honesty in such a way that contributes to maintaining the well-being of our relationship(s) allows us to experience the zest of life with one another. That is the lasting legacy that couples counseling can lead you toward. I hope that you are able to find an answer to the question if couples counseling is worth it for you.
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