My life experienced a deep upheaval when I transferred schools in 10th grade. I felt like I was at the end of my rope when it came to all the stuff I was doing for school. For better or worse, my parents worried little about me when it came to turning my assignments in on time, muscling through all of my work, and juggling all of the other activities I was involved in.
I felt incredibly alone. With all of what I was going through, I wanted someone to tell me that things were going to be okay.
I was complacently done with hearing the frequent placating phrases like “Oh, you’ll do fine,” “You got this,” and “You always get it done.” I had accepted that this was the extent of empathy I’d get. I didn’t know how to communicate my desire to be heard any more than I was. At its worst, I’d be reminded of how much harder or different others had it from me.
I wanted someone to resonate with my frustrations and groanings no matter how small or big they seemed. To me, they mattered and were incredibly hard.
I didn’t think that the adults in my life were able to understand what I was going through. Let alone were willing to understand. When thinking back on the phrases that I’d heard, I felt invalidated, dismissed, and inadequate. While there is a tone of assuredness that was communicated to me, I was unable to hear it.
Who was at fault here? To ask this question would miss the point entirely—this was a mutual engagement where communication fell apart and had little opportunity for curiosity and deeper connection for both my parents and myself.
Dismissal: Our Invalidator
Dismissal can be both intentional or unintentional depending on the context it arises in. I think we are all particularly aware of instances where we have been intentionally dismissed and how that made us feel. Whether you were dismissed by your parents, your romantic partner, your friends, or your coworkers, the feeling is particularly pointed. We feel deeply at our core that our experience did not matter to other people that we care about.
The same is true when we experience unintentional dismissal. As was my experience, this type of dismissal donned a positive tone where my parents believed in me but were implicitly unwilling to hear the extent of my fears. What I think is true in these moments when we are implicitly dismissing the people we care about is that we are not particularly aware that our words are being dismissive.
Feeling dismissed can leave us isolated from people we care about, experience a decrease in our sense of self-worth, and be at higher risk of multiple mental health issues. We’ve received an implicit message that our concerns don’t matter. No one is on our team. We are on our own.
When we have an issue we need support in, we will be less likely to seek that support from the people who have dismissed us in the past. Why would they take me seriously now?
What I Wish I Heard
My parents were not intentionally trying to dismiss my feelings. What I think they were particularly scared of was that by expressing the extent of the weight I was feeling, I would give up. By letting out my frustration and being at the end of my rope, I was speaking my failure into existence. To escape their fear of my failure they were quick to try and remind me that I had nothing to worry about.
I’ve seen this in my experience with clients being afraid of what their partners, their kids, or even what they themselves might encounter at the other end of that expression of feeling. They quickly try to dismiss the feelings of fear, inadequacy, failure, or pointlessness for fear of what they might bring.
Here are some invitations and validating statements you can employ to help foster a deeper connection with the people you care about and avoid the pitfalls that dismissing others creates.
“I’m curious about...” This open-ended invitation for further discussion allows for people to talk more about their experiences. Listening to and validating the feelings of others does not necessitate that you agree with what is said. Validation is more about being able to empathize with the feelings that exist.
Refrain from giving advice. Giving advice when it’s not requested or too early can provoke others to shut down and not be open to sharing their experiences. It’s also much more likely that the situation is much more complex than our advice can take into account. Feelings are information about experience and empathizing with these feelings communicates that you care a lot quicker than trying to “fix” someone’s experience with advice.
“That sounds really difficult. I’d probably feel ____ too.” Our comfortability with someone’s feelings hinges on our ability to put ourselves in their shoes. Can we resonate with what it is like to be in someone’s position?
“I can see how you came to feel that way.” When we foster our ability to empathize with another’s experience we can more easily validate the conclusions others come to about their experience.
I wonder how the relationships with ourselves, our partners, our friendships, and our families would look when we validate the experiences of others. I’d like to reiterate that validation does not mean that you condone a particular behavior or that you are giving permission to give in to the experienced feelings. It merely seeks to recognize that they exist in their particular context.
Our Open Invitation
As an adult now, I see how easy it is to hurt someone’s feelings. We never know what someone has struggled with, is going through presently, or will go through in the future. In my teenage naïveté, I’d just assume you don’t say anything to anybody if anything and everything might hurt somebody. However, the reality of the world won’t really allow for that level of escapism.
What I think this calls us to is a particular bravery to make mistakes.
The way we interact with others has a profound, far-reaching impact that we are often not fully aware of. When we recognize that we might dismiss one’s feelings, it speaks volumes when we own that we are not measuring up. It takes a little practice and intentionality. This practice goes a long way toward deepening our connections with those we love and care for.
My hunch is that they would be more willing to share with us when they see our human ability to make mistakes.
We also drop this false visage that we know better and would act differently if we were in a similar position. I don’t live in an ivory tower that has all of the advice for life’s problems. I imagine that you don’t either. I know I would be just as caught up and stuck as everyone if I were in the position they were in. I’m not better than anyone else and don’t have the magic wand to wave away someone’s difficult feelings.
I invite us all to own our mistakes when we are trying to hear and validate our loved one’s experiences.
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Erich Campbell, MS, LAC, LAMFT
(479) 367-1110
Erich Campbell, MS, LAC, LAMFT received his Masters in Marriage, Couple, and Family Counseling from Harding University of Searcy, AR. He is a licensed associate counselor and licensed associate marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas, USA. His clinical work centers on individuals, couples, and families with a wide range of presenting issues. Erich finds enjoyment in providing hypnotherapy to his clients as well. He runs his blog through his website erichcampbellcounseling.com
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