I first heard about the idea of boundaries in college. A friend was talking about how her parents were too involved in her life making it difficult to experience a level of independence others had from their parents. My friend’s logic was quite clear concerning the distance she sought from her parents and how she planned to ensure that her boundary was upheld. As her friend, I encouraged her.
When her parents pushed back on these new parameters of their relationship, my friend struggled to maintain this new distance. It makes sense—I think we’d all push back when the rules of how we relate to someone else change while we were unaware that the rules changed. Now, this isn’t me saying that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to set boundaries. We absolutely should afford ourselves the ability to change our boundaries when our emotional and relational health is suffering.
Learning from my friend’s experience, I examined my life and looked to see where I could choose to set my boundaries. I saw how I was saying yes to too many opportunities and friends. I felt the exhaustion of staying up late every night to do my work after spending all evening with my friends. The thought of letting any opportunity go by to serve or be involved on campus left me with a deep level of FOMO. My time and my health were being taken advantage of and I was the dealer.
I learned something important about when people choose to set boundaries. We don’t choose to set our boundaries. We choose when we readjust our boundaries. Boundaries are unconsciously set the first time we engage in something or with someone. We only choose when we consciously readjust the boundaries that are currently in place.
At the risk of sounding pedantic, I believe this to be an important distinction. This distinction brings attention to the way we can become consciously aware of how we relate to others with the boundaries we already have in place.
The Goal of Boundaries
The way I’ve come to think about boundaries is the rules of relating. We are never not relating to someone, someplace, or something. Our boundaries help us navigate our relationships and adhere to the normal pattern of our interactions.
Boundaries are commonly seen expressed on a spectrum with three points to help with identification. Rigid boundaries characterize one end of the spectrum. Rigid boundaries tend to signify disengagement. The presence of rigid boundaries communicates a high degree of autonomy with little expression of emotional closeness with others. It is common to see little reaction or repercussions from problematic behavior, high levels of freedom, and few expressions of commitment to the relationship with this kind of boundary pattern.
On the other end of the spectrum, are enmeshed boundaries. These boundaries allow for over-engagement between people with little sense of individuality. Relationships with more enmeshed boundaries tend to allow for too much negotiation and accommodation to circumstances and provision of support, even when it is not needed.
Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum are clear boundaries. Clear boundaries allow for emotional closeness in the relationship and respect the individuality of others. The rules of relating can be renegotiated as circumstances in the relationship change. Relationships with clear boundaries accommodate these changes to honor the individuality of others and the experienced level of emotional closeness.
Each of these expressions of boundaries has its benefits and drawbacks that are functional and optimal at different points in life. The real difficulty happens when life circumstances change and the boundaries are not respected by the relationship you are adjusting to.
Tips to Renegotiate Your Boundaries
I think it is important to recognize that the rules of relating are powerful forces that often beckon us to return to a well-known, ‘easy’ way of continuing things as they are. We will feel drawn to return to old patterns of relating. It is important to remember who you are renegotiating boundaries for and steel yourself for the pull to return things as they were.
Whether you are renegotiating the boundaries with your family, work, friends, lover, or environment, there are a few important things to keep in mind as you navigate and initiate this change.
Identify why you are making the boundary adjustment. Maybe someone said something offensive or disrespectful. Maybe there isn’t enough autonomy from your family to navigate your struggles. Maybe you felt unsafe. Specifying your reason for adjusting your boundaries acknowledges where there was too little or too much engagement.
Front-load your reasoning when you deliver the adjusted boundary. Not every boundary negotiation occurs when there are deep wounds that are inflicted on us. Sometimes we need to take a step back for our health. At the same time, not every boundary renegotiation deserves your justification (especially those when you do not feel safe).
Be clear and specific about the adjusted boundary. The person you are adjusting your boundary with will likely have questions about the changes you’re making. Being clear and specific about the differences you are requesting helps eliminate confusion.
Talk about yourself. People are often ridiculously allergic to the thought of being blamed for something and will become defensive the moment they catch a hint of it being levied at them. It is important to remember that you are not responsible for how other people respond to your boundaries. It is important to remember, though, that you can influence the level they are able to hear you out. Using “I statements” to discuss the adjusted boundary is important to increase your likelihood of being heard.
Be consistent in upholding the boundary. One of the easiest pitfalls of returning to old patterns is when we lack consistency. People might not respond well or remember the new boundary at first. It is to be expected. Avoid the temptation to let some things slide.
Address exceptions to the boundary. In some cases, there are natural instances when a boundary needs to have an exception. When you need to make that exception, be clear to label it as such. Exceptions are not the rule!
Final Considerations
The most important part about readjusting our boundaries is to refocus on adequate levels of closeness with others while preserving our individuality. This will look vastly different based on your circumstances and relationships. We need relationships with others and we also can’t be overly connected. I’d argue we are always fluctuating around this “ideal” and can never fully attain it. That doesn’t negate the importance of readjusting and maintaining boundaries in our relationships.
If you are thinking about readjusting the boundaries that you have with people in your life, I hope you keep these tips in mind. This journey and renegotiation of these boundaries happen at many of life’s developmental stages. Stay the course. Consistency is your friend here.
Erich Campbell, MS, LAC, LAMFT received his Masters in Marriage, Couple, and Family Counseling from Harding University of Searcy, AR. He is a licensed associate counselor and licensed associate marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas, USA. His clinical work centers on individuals, couples, and families with a wide range of presenting issues. Erich finds enjoyment in providing hypnotherapy to his clients as well. He runs his blog through his website erichcampbellcounseling.com
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