Last week, I wrote about the process of readjusting the boundaries we have with people and how we might accomplish that. It can be emotionally taxing to readjust our boundaries with people, things, and ourselves. When we make these moves, there are a lot of changes that happen around us as others adjust to our adjustments.
It feels empowering to be the one that adjusts their boundaries and reclaims their autonomy or increases their relational closeness. However, when we are the ones who experience an emotional wall that is intended to keep us out, it is a completely different experience.
Maybe you deeply hurt your partner, were trying to be a caring parent, or behaved in a way that compromised the safety of others. Our actions can hurt people in a way that compromises their ability to feel safe in the relationship. It is difficult when saying “sorry” doesn’t change much. It is even harder when we think we are acting in a loving manner and end up creating an unsafe environment. That can be a difficult thing to stomach.
How can that happen? In these cases, the message sent may not be the message that’s received.
Why People Erect Emotional Walls With Us
Walls are built to regain safety from a perceived threat. For some of us, we can’t possibly imagine how we made someone feel unsafe. For others, it is very clear. Wherever you land, it is an important thing to accept in the journey to become a safe person again.
Emotional walls can look vastly different depending on the circumstances but often have a common characteristic. These walls often entail limited involvement by decreasing the time spent together, a limit on topics that are okay to discuss, or some variation of emotional cut-off.
The most common aspect of encountering an emotional wall is some kind of distance. It’s important to note that this distance is felt by both parties. Yes, even by the ones that create the emotional wall. It can be a difficult process to erect a wall with those that we care about—it keeps them and you from connecting in a meaningful manner. However, the creation of an emotional wall is a necessary measure to maintain a personal sense of safety. It is this rational response of self-preservation that is important to keep in mind when thinking about how you can interact with the emotional wall.
Interacting with an Emotional Wall
It is important to know how to interact with someone who has erected an emotional wall toward you. First and foremost is honoring the other’s pursuit of safety. By honor, I mean showing due respect and high regard. Whether the wall is permanent or someday comes down, honoring what the wall is attempting to do is of primary importance. It demonstrates that you take their safety seriously and that you care about them. This goes against the notion that breaking down relational walls is something to be strived for. By taking the wall seriously, you allow the person you hurt to begin recreating their sense of safety.
By honoring a wall, it is implicit that trying to get on the other side of the wall is not the goal. This means that our goal is not to force our way through the wall. While you may have incredible sneaky skills, sneaking behind the wall inside a Trojan horse is not beneficial either. People experience this as another attempt to take advantage of their trust and feel more manipulated as a result. Judging or asserting our “right” (by being their parent, partner, or friend) to be on the other side of the wall is equally detrimental. Each of these ways of interacting with a wall will only reinforce the need for it.
The less safe someone feels, the harder they will work to maintain their wall.
While in grad school, I interned at a group rehab facility. For many who are coming out of the drug and alcohol lifestyle, relationships are often strained or altogether burned due to the secrecy and harm that heavy users often commit toward their loved ones. A crucial step in the rehabilitation process is being able to accept that loved ones were taken advantage of or hurt by the actions that surrounded the drinking and drug use.
What made this experience so impactful for me were those clients who diligently worked on themselves to acknowledge the hurt they caused others. The ones that “got it” were the ones who were looking to take accountability for their actions and how those actions negatively affected the people they cared about.
Creating an Emotional Safe Space
What are other steps that you can take to honor a wall? If you care about the person who doesn’t feel safe, you need to ask yourself some hard questions.
What was I doing that didn’t foster emotional safety?
How can I act differently that would increase their emotional safety?
Whether I agree with the wall or not, can I respect it and not try to argue with the reason it was built?
How can I begin creating a safe environment for this person to potentially return to?
The answers that you come up with to these questions can be incredibly illuminating for you. It begins with taking the concerns seriously. We are only responsible for our actions and have to be comfortable with the possibility that the person we hurt may not want to return to a relationship with us. That doesn’t mean that this work is for nothing.
While we may cognitively know that we can’t control others, we often act in a manner that supposes that we can. Owning the responsibility for our actions and relinquishing the perceived ‘power’ we may think we have over others is a crucial step in helping others feel safe in their relationship with us. Accepting how we may have played a role in the creation of a wall sets in motion the opportunity for change.
Why This Matters
Being met with an emotional wall, to some, may seem to spell doom for the relationship. And it really might be. For those instances when it is not, there is a world of opportunity and difference in the relationship. Regardless of either of these possibilities, we have the unique opportunity to work on ourselves for the sake of our other relationships.
We are only in control of how we show up. Working to increase the comfort and safety that other people feel with us invites a more honest and respectful approach toward our relationships. It is not fair to expect people to act a particular way after we may have compromised the relationship. Whether we are able to reconcile the relationship or not should be a tertiary goal. It should be our responsibility to improve ourselves and be a safe person to those we care about.
Erich Campbell, MS, LAC, LAMFT received his Masters in Marriage, Couple, and Family Counseling from Harding University of Searcy, AR. He is a licensed associate counselor and licensed associate marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas, USA. His clinical work centers on individuals, couples, and families with a wide range of presenting issues. Erich finds enjoyment in providing hypnotherapy to his clients as well. He runs his blog through his website erichcampbellcounseling.com
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