As I was preparing for this blog post, I revisited Carol S. Dweck’s Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. I highly suggest looking into this resource for a more in-depth discussion of these mindsets. Looking at the differences between fixed and growth mindsets, I began to recognize how our language reveals our internal processes. For example, a fixed mindset utilizes language with absolute statements, “never, can’t, won’t, etc.” Is someone’s emotional intelligence fixed or can it grow and expand? Discussions of mindset expand our approach to the world and capacity for change. Our mindsets often spill over into the capacity we believe others have for the same actions. However, the hallmark of the fixed mindset is seeing one’s ability or capacity as inherent and relatively unchanging.
A growth mindset differs substantially by seeing failure as an inherent teacher and sculptor toward improvement. Through the process of trying (and often falling short), we learn and find new ways of doing things. A growth mindset seeks to hold the possibility of change at its core rather than resigning to stagnation.
Which brings us to the question: Can you develop growth in your mind or is your mind already “set?” The quick answer to developing a growth mindset is an emphatic, yes. The key is developing an awareness to notice which mindset you might be operating from. I won’t lie, it takes a high level of effort and you won’t be great at it when you start. That’s the thing with practice though, as you practice you get better. As lifetime learners, there is always room for improvement. By noting which mindset we may have, we can begin asking questions like, “What can I learn here?” or, “What could I have done differently?”
Using Growth Language
Our mindset will affect the language we use. The language we use will affect the mindset that we operate from. It doesn’t matter which one you look at first—you will begin to create change regardless. By critically looking at the language we use, we may begin seeing how we place limits on ourselves and the people around us. Using the language of possibility to talk about our experience allows for new interpretations and differences. There are two tricks to using growth language.
The first of these tricks is using words that inherently entail possibility. Words like ‘possibly,’ ‘might,’ ‘yet,’ or ‘maybe’ all leave room to clarify what is being discussed. If you are in a heated conversation with someone and you say, “I don’t feel understood by you yet,” there is a greater opportunity for clarification and unity to be achieved. Such a simple word like ‘yet’ implies that understanding can be found—it just hasn’t been found to this point in the conversation.
The other trick is speaking to your experience in the current moment. There is something that can be gained by talking about the present moment that still conveys the hurt of not feeling understood. “I do not feel like you understand what it is like to be me, right now,” affirms the speaker’s experience while also implying that there is an opportunity for understanding to be achieved.
This is particularly important in therapy where couples and families are trying to remedy their disconnection with one another. Growth and possibility language combats the tendency to focus on problems and recognize that they can work to create the change they hope to see in how they communicate with one another.
The Changes You Might See
Changing the way we talk and focusing on something so minute as the words we say may seem like pulling teeth. While it might be excruciating at first, there are significant benefits that can begin to arise out of the intentional use of words we speak. So much of the way we see the world is affected by our internal and external narration of the world.
The words we use influence and are often a direct reflection of our perspective of the world. Rather than seeing the world, others, and ourselves as fixed and unchanging, we can begin leaving room to be pleasantly surprised by recognizing exceptions as they happen. It is quite difficult to notice these exceptions when we talk in ways that reinforce the limited framework we are stuck seeing the world through.
Our experience of the world is certainly affected by the words we say. They certainly are not deterministic of the world we create but there is merit to how we have direct influence on our world by our word choices. By taking charge and honing our use of language we can do far more to help create meaningful, therapeutic differences in our lives.
Through renewed attention to our word choice, we can influence the way we see the world and further feed the reciprocal relationship between these two pieces of ourselves.
Do you see it as possible?
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